Parasht Ki Tetze
Bs"d
The One Who Shames — and the One Who Leads Another to Sin
(The original was written in Hebrew. AI translation into English)
In Parashat Ki Teitzei, the Torah warns against marrying converts from certain nations, because the conduct of those nations caused them to be restricted from entering the Jewish people. Yet there is a striking difference between them. The restriction concerning Egyptians and Edomites lasts only until the third generation, while Ammon and Moab, who caused Israel to sin, are excluded forever.
Rashi explains the reason for this distinction (Devarim 23:9):
“From here you learn that one who causes another person to sin is worse to him than one who kills him. One who kills him takes his life in this world, while one who causes him to sin removes him from both this world and the World to Come. Therefore, Edom, who confronted them with the sword, was not utterly rejected, nor was Egypt, who drowned them; but those who caused them to sin were rejected.”
When we think of someone who leads another person to sin, we may imagine a wicked and calculating individual, someone whose harmful influence must be avoided. Yet sometimes the person who causes another to fall may be a righteous and God-fearing person — even a teacher or rebbe. Through a moment of insufficient thought or understanding, a teacher may humiliate a student and, tragically, set in motion a process that eventually drives him away from the proper path.
The following stories, cited by Rabbi Moshe Avidan in his book Le’at LiNa’ar, illustrate this frightening responsibility.
Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein relates the story of a young man who suddenly burst into tears while standing beneath the chuppah. The rabbi officiating at the wedding was the renowned Rabbi Avraham Yaakov Pam zt”l, Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Vodaath. Rabbi Pam took the groom aside and asked him why he was crying.
“A terrible sin weighs upon me,” the young man replied.
He began to tell his story.
“When I was a boy, a classmate brought a beautiful toy to cheder. I wanted it badly, and I stole it from his pocket. Later, when the boy realized that his toy was missing, he told the rebbe that someone had stolen it. The rebbe decided to search the pockets of all the students.
“I realized that I was about to be caught. Without my neighbor noticing, I slipped the toy into his pocket.
“The rebbe continued searching until he reached the boy sitting beside me. He found the toy in his pocket and announced, ‘Here is the thief of the class!’
“The boy cried out, ‘It wasn’t me! I never stole anything! I didn’t take the toy!’
“The rebbe replied, ‘Then how did it get into your pocket? Did it grow legs and walk there by itself?’
“The rebbe also wrote a letter to the boy’s parents. They reprimanded him severely and told him that by stealing he had brought shame upon the entire family.
“That boy began to deteriorate. Slowly, the resentment remained and grew within him, until eventually he abandoned Torah observance. This very week, he married a non-Jewish woman.
“And the entire sin rests upon my shoulders,” the groom cried. “How can I now stand beneath the chuppah and marry a Jewish woman when, because of me, my friend abandoned Torah and married outside the Jewish people?”
Rabbi Pam calmed him and said:
“You certainly must repent for stealing the toy and for placing it in your friend’s pocket. But the primary responsibility rests with the teacher. He was the one who failed to listen to the student, who caused him such terrible humiliation, and who allowed the resentment of a boy crying out in innocence, with no one willing to hear him, to take root.”
Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein was once asked about a child who had repeatedly disrupted his class. Would it be appropriate, as a punishment, to move him down to a lower grade in which his younger brother was studying?
Rabbi Zilberstein replied that a teacher must understand that humiliating another person is associated by Chazal with the shedding of blood. According to Tosafot (Sotah 10b), public humiliation is treated with extraordinary severity. Therefore, just as one would never contemplate physically harming a child, one must exercise the greatest care before subjecting him to humiliation.
He related something he had heard from his brother-in-law, Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky zt”l. When Rabbi Kanievsky was a child in cheder, the teacher seated the students according to their academic ability. The sharpest and most diligent student sat first, the next-best student sat second, and so forth.
On one occasion, one of the outstanding students became less diligent in his studies. As punishment, the teacher moved him to the very last seat.
The child was deeply humiliated. Tragically, he eventually abandoned religious observance and remained far from Torah for many years. May Hashem bring him back in complete teshuvah.
Rabbi Yehuda Ades, Rosh Yeshiva of Kol Yaakov, related another painful incident.
A former student once stopped him in the street and told him about a close friend whom he had happened to meet a few days earlier. He was shocked to discover that his friend had abandoned Torah and mitzvot.
“What happened to you?” he asked him.
The man replied:
“Do you remember the day when I misbehaved in class? They hung a sign on me describing what I had done and marched me through all the classrooms. From that day on, I despised everything connected with my studies, until eventually I left it all behind.”
Rabbi Ades acknowledged that this was an extreme case. But extreme cases teach us an important lesson about the general rule:
A student must never be humiliated publicly.
When discipline is necessary, it should be administered with the minimum degree of embarrassment possible. And when punishment is truly required, it should be given privately.
A teacher may intend only to correct a student’s behavior. He may believe that a sharp rebuke or a public punishment will teach an unforgettable lesson. But sometimes the lesson the child remembers is entirely different from the one the teacher intended.
The Torah’s warning about one who causes another to sin therefore carries a profound message for every educator. Our responsibility is not limited to teaching Torah and guiding students toward proper behavior. We must also take great care that the way we correct them does not itself become the cause of their distancing themselves from Torah.
Discipline is sometimes necessary. Rebuke is sometimes necessary. But humiliation is not education.
A child’s dignity must remain intact even when his behavior requires correction. For the teacher’s task is not merely to stop inappropriate behavior today, but to help ensure that the student will still love Torah, respect his teachers, and remain connected to the path of Torah tomorrow.
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