Parashat Shoftim
Bs"d
Sometimes It Is Right to Look the Other Way
(The original was written in Hebrew. AI translation into English)
When the Torah discusses an optional war in this week’s parashah, it teaches that an announcement was made before the soldiers went out to battle: anyone who had built a house but had not yet dedicated it, planted a vineyard but had not yet enjoyed its fruit, or betrothed a woman but had not yet married her, should return home.
And not only they. The Torah adds that “whoever is fearful and fainthearted” should also return home.
Who is this “fearful and fainthearted” person?
Rashi, citing the Gemara, brings the teaching of Rabbi Yosi HaGelili: he is one who is afraid because of the sins he has committed. The Torah therefore provided the other reasons for returning home—a new house, vineyard, or betrothal—in order to protect those who were returning because of their sins. Others would not know the real reason for their departure; seeing someone return, they could assume that perhaps he had built a house, planted a vineyard, or become betrothed.
In other words, the Torah not only allowed a person who had sinned to return because of his fear that he might die in battle; the Torah was also careful to protect him from embarrassment, ensuring that his wrongdoing and fear would not become known to everyone.
This teaches us a fundamental principle in education, equally important for teachers and parents: we must preserve a child’s dignity even when he has done something wrong. By doing so, we leave the door open for him to recognize his mistake, change, and return to the proper path.
In this connection, Rabbi Yehuda Ades shlita, Rosh Yeshivah of Yeshivat Kol Yaakov, related several remarkable incidents. They are cited in Rabbi Moshe Avidan’s excellent book Le’at LiNa’ar (p. 41).
“You Shall Look Away”—Sometimes You Must Look Away
The intentions of roshei yeshivah, rebbeim, teachers, and educators are undoubtedly sincere. The difficulty, however, can sometimes lie in the method they choose.
Rabbi Yehuda Ades related that on one occasion he traveled together with two other roshei yeshivah to Maran Rabbi Elazar Menachem Shach zt”l. They asked him:
“What is required of us in educating our students? What is the bottom line?”
Rav Shach gave them a striking answer:
“The most important thing in education is to know when to look the other way.”
He explained that he was referring to situations in which the educator knows what a student has done, while the student believes that the educator does not know. In such a case, there are times when the proper response is simply to overlook it.
Rabbi Ades related another incident. He was once in the home of a great Torah scholar when one of the man’s children, in a moment of anger, broke a glass.
The father had seen everything, but acted as though he had not.
He turned to the child and said gently, “Oy, tzaddik, it must have slipped out of your hand by accident…”
“Yes,” the child replied—and then burst into tears.
The child understood what his father had done for him. His father had provided him with a way out of an embarrassing and painful situation. When a child is treated in this way, he feels profound gratitude and develops a deep emotional bond with the person who helped him emerge from his distress with his dignity intact.
Rabbi Yehuda Ades also related a story from his own childhood that contains a powerful educational lesson:
“I was eleven years old and had eaten supper. My brother, who was two years older than I, asked me, ‘Yehuda, did you bentch?’
“I said, ‘Yes.’
“‘Which siddur did you use?’ he asked.
“‘This one,’ I answered, pointing to a book lying on the table.
“Unfortunately, it was not an ordinary siddur containing Birkat HaMazon. It was a Yom Kippur machzor.
“My brother noticed this and asked me, ‘Show me where Birkat HaMazon appears in this machzor.’
“I insisted that I had found it.
“He asked me a second time, and then a third: ‘Where is Birkat HaMazon here?’
“And each time I continued to insist that I had found it.
“Finally, he went over to my father, the great Rabbi Yaakov Ades zt”l, and said, ‘Yehuda says that he found Birkat HaMazon in a Yom Kippur machzor!’
“My father replied, ‘You should know that if Yehuda tells you that he found it, then believe him that he found it.’
“That is what my father said…
“Oh, how I loved my father at that moment—and I began to love Birkat HaMazon as well.
“From that day on, I could no longer bring myself not to bentch. What a wonderful feeling it was to have been rescued so gracefully from my predicament.
“What a great father! What humility!
“What would he have gained by rebuking me? Had he merely looked at me knowingly, I would have fainted from embarrassment. That approach only deepened the tremendous admiration I had for my father.”
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