B”SD

The Art of Giving Rebuke

A Thought on Parashat Devarim.

(The original was written in Hebrew. AI translation into English)

The Book of Devarim opens with Moshe Rabbeinu addressing the Jewish people during the final weeks of his life.

He is about to review forty years of triumphs, failures, and lessons. Yet before speaking openly about the nation's mistakes, the Torah introduces his words in a remarkable way:

"These are the words that Moshe spoke to all Israel... in the wilderness, in the plain, opposite the Sea of Reeds, between Paran and Tofel and Lavan, Chatzeiros and Di Zahav." (Devarim 1:1)

Rashi explains that these place names are not merely geographical references. They are subtle reminders of the various occasions on which the Jewish people sinned.

Why doesn't the Torah simply mention the sins directly?

Because, says Rashi, Moshe wished to preserve the dignity of the Jewish people. He rebuked them, but he did so with sensitivity and respect.

This introduces one of the Torah's most important principles of education and leadership:

The goal of rebuke is not to embarrass—it is to inspire change.

The mitzvah of tochachah is explicit in the Torah:

"You shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin because of him." (Vayikra 19:17)

Chazal explain that while we are obligated to help another person recognize his mistakes, we must be extraordinarily careful not to humiliate him in the process.

The Sefer HaChinuch writes that public embarrassment causes one of the deepest forms of emotional pain. Whenever possible, correction should be given privately and with sensitivity, preserving the other person's dignity.

Yet anyone who has ever tried to correct another person knows how difficult this mitzvah can be.

Even when the criticism is justified, people naturally become defensive.

Instead of listening to the message, they begin evaluating the messenger.

The Gemara describes this human tendency with a vivid expression:

One person says, "Remove the splinter from between your teeth."

The other immediately responds,

"First remove the beam from between your own eyes!" (Bava Basra 15b)

Once the conversation turns into a comparison of faults, the opportunity for growth is often lost.

How, then, can rebuke truly make a difference?

The Shelah HaKadosh offers a profound insight.

He explains the verse in Mishlei:

"Do not rebuke a scoffer lest he hate you; rebuke a wise person, and he will love you."

The Shelah asks: How do we transform a scoffer into a wise person?

His answer is surprising.

Do not begin by telling someone how flawed he is.

Begin by reminding him how great he can be.

Instead of saying, "You are acting foolishly," say, "You are a wise and honorable person. Someone of your character is capable of much better."

When people feel respected, they become capable of listening.

When they feel attacked, they usually stop hearing.

Rav Nachman Bulman zt"l would often point to an even higher level of rebuke—the example of Aharon HaKohen.

The Midrash describes how Aharon would greet every Jew warmly, even someone known to be a sinner.

Later, when that individual was tempted to commit another wrongdoing, he would think:

"How can I face Aharon after the kindness and respect he showed me?"

His own sense of dignity would lead him to change.

Remarkably, Aharon never needed to mention the sin at all.

His love accomplished what criticism alone often could not.

Perhaps this is the deepest lesson of Parashat Devarim.

Every parent, teacher, rabbi, and leader eventually faces the challenge of correcting others.

The question is not only what we say.

The question is how we say it.

If our words preserve another person's dignity, they may open a heart.

If they shame, belittle, or humiliate, even the most accurate criticism may accomplish nothing.

Sometimes the greatest rebuke is not delivered through harsh words at all.

Sometimes it is delivered through respect, encouragement, and genuine love.

And if we cannot correct another person without anger or humiliation, perhaps silence is wiser until we are able to speak in a way that truly helps.

Shabbat Shalom.